Siren of the Sea

♥

“If you love two people at the same time, choose the second. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn’t have fallen for the second.”

Recap: I met a great guy. We dated for 6 months. It was magical, until I found out he had a long distance girlfriend.

It’s been a very hard break up, like all break ups are, obviously. But what has made this one harder, is that he wouldn’t let me go, he kept pulling me back. I was head over fins for this guy, and he had chosen to stay with his girlfriend so he had to leave me, but he wouldn’t, and I couldn’t leave him, but I had to, so long story short, I did, I have. He’d have me back in a heartbeat, of course he would, what guy wouldn’t want the love of two woman that he loved. But it was wrong, and I am finally strong enough to leave him now.

Having said that, knowing that the person you want, wants you, makes it even harder not to want them. Alas, I don’t want him. Not really, I want the version I thought was all mine, you should never have to share someone, if they really loved you, they’d never ask you to, that’s how you know they don’t love you, not really.

So, it’s time to get back on the seahorse. Although, I’m not ready for anything serious, I just need a distraction, some fun, a reason not to go back to him. I don’t want to hurt anyone, or give anyone false hope or ideas, so as long as I’m upfront about my intentions, then I wont. I mean, this should be easy, every guy’s dream is to find a girl who doesn’t want strings, right?

Catch ya later,

Ren.

♥

“A love like that was a serious illness, an illness from which you never entirely recover.”

I was hooked.

We both were.

We went for midnight drives, spent weekends away in hotels, walked in the woods and watched the stars, we sang along to music in bars, snuggled up to movies and had wild and passionate sex. Seriously the sex was mind blowing, adventurous and intense. It was that connection that made us so irresistible to each other.

We did the stages of dating slow, it wasn’t until, probably, the seventh or eighth date that we kissed, we were saving it, holding it back, we were finding other ways to connect and get to know each other. And after we started kissing, it was another month before we had sex, and then that was it, we couldn’t stop, didn’t want to, and we didn’t have to. We enjoyed each other for months and months, getting to know every inch of each other’s soul, it was the time of my life.

I think on some level we knew that once we’d had a taste, we’d devour each other, and that’s why we took it slow in the beginning, making sure we were really ready, and willing to lose ourselves. And I was blissfully lost among the firsts.

It was all so wonderful, I kept waiting for the other fin to flop, and it did.

He had a girlfriend.

She lived far away and he only saw her on the occasional weekends, so he was able to have almost a complete and full relationship with me. The worst part wasn’t how well he lied, and was able to live a double life, it was how I thought I’d finally found the one for me and now I’d have to give him up and the future I’d dreamed for us. Despite the secret girlfriend, he’d treated me so well, had been so honest, so connected, and so in love with me.

He’d been exactly what I wanted in a boyfriend. But now it was all over.

Catch ya later,

Ren.

“You think you know what you’re looking for, until what you’re looking for finds you.”

♥

It’s a tale as old as time, and one that I never believed. People always say, I’d stopped looking for love, then all of a sudden, there is was. As much as I’d wished it was true because A. I couldn’t be bothered to go looking for it anyway, B. I’d looked and only found idiots, and C. well, it was a lovely notion to believe in wasn’t it. But, I just didn’t, there just wasn’t enough evidence to support that case. And I still wouldn’t believe in it, if it hadn’t happened to me.

It was a regular Saturday night, just like any other, my best friend at the time was going to go watch her boyfriend play a charity gig, he used to be in a band but wasn’t anymore so it was a one off. I’d never been to any of his previous gigs, and my friend normally went to support him on her own, but this night for some reason she invited me. I knew I wouldn’t know anyone there, or if I did it would be people I really didn’t want to see, so normally I would say no. But for some reason, I said yes.

The music was okay, and I chatted to a few people, my friend was a little boring in social situations so normally I’d get drunk to make the night bearable but I was the designated driver. Just when I was about to call it a night, there he was in a navy blue parker jacket walking towards me with two pints in his hands. He stopped right in front of me, and no he didn’t hand one over to me and say something cute, it wasn’t a movie moment. It was just a regular moment. He handed one of the pints to my friend’s boyfriend and then introduced himself to me. Although at this point I didn’t really notice him, I took note of him and carried on as normal.

But, he was the light in a dark room. And the more he joked, and I laughed, the brighter he became to me, until he was all I could see. The event ended too soon, and we were all heading to our cars, I didn’t want my time with him to end, so I was relieved when he asked me for a ride to the pub with his friends. When we arrived at the pub, his friends thanked me for the ride and got out, he stayed. He told them he’d catch them up, and I wondered what he was doing. He then told me he’d like to stay and chat with me for a little longer if I didn’t mind, I didn’t of course.

Before we knew it an hour had passed, and even though I didn’t want him to leave, I told him he should go to find his friends. He said he’d rather be with me, and that we should go for a drive, see where the road took us, and I loved his sense of adventure and spontaneity. I agreed and it was then that an ordinary Saturday night, transformed into an extraordinary night.

We drove for at least another hour, talking and listening to music, and then we pulled over near the woods and ran inside them. I felt like I’d been sleepwalking through my life and he’d woken me up, and when we climbed up into the trees I felt like a child again, I was safe, I was brand new.

We sat in the tree until the sun came up. We never kissed, or even touched one another’s hand, but we both wanted to, and in some way that’s what made whatever was happening between us feel stronger, more intense, all consuming.

When I dropped him at his house, I knew I’d see him again, because I couldn’t not see him again.

So, It just goes to show, being a yes man really can be a good thing. If I’d have said no that night, I would have missed out on a great adventure. And this kind of dating, this spontaneous, cant get enough of talking, laughing, looking at each other kind of being with someone was what I’d been missing from my dating experience.

I’d finally had a good date, a proper date. I finally understood why people loved dating.

I loved dating.

Catch ya later,

Ren.

♥

Unfortunately, I haven’t managed to have one positive experience with online dating and the conclusion I’ve come to is that it really isn’t for me, so I’m pulling in my nets. In my experience, there isn’t a lot of options out there, you leave yourself open to abuse and hassle from strangers, and you spend a lot of time wasting time, and not in the John Lennon sense. But the main reason I really don’t like it is because you only get a snippet of someone, and that snippet, for me, isn’t enough to take a chance on.

So in conclusion, I know that internet dating and cyber friendships work for some people, but for me and the way in which I live my life, it seems unnatural. It seems forced. It seems false and fictional. I feel like I’m cheating myself out of a whole experience, and like I’m skipping crucial steps needed to get to know someone.

I think I’m gonna take a little break from dating. After all, when you stop chasing the wrong things, you give the right things a chance to catch you.

Catch ya later,

Ren.

“When someone is rude and toxic, remember it’s not about you. It’s a reflection of their inner state.”

♥

Dating channel: Plenty of Fish Website

Well, I don’t even know where to even begin, I just went on a truly crappy date, with a truly crappy person.

Alias: The Common Roach Fish

Backstory: So, I’d been chatting to the Common Roach on POF for a little while and I considered him a wildcard anyway because he had the whole cocky and arrogant, I love myself attitude, which guys either pull off perfectly and it’s charming and funny like Ryan Reynolds, or they’re just a dick. But this guy seemed really keen, and the more we talked, the more we seemed to have the same philosophy on dating, so after probably the eighth time he asked to meet me, (this will be important later so remember it) I finally agreed. He was a 20 minute drive away from me and said he didn’t mind driving all the way to me, (again remember this) so we arranged to go for a meal. In the meantime, he’d asked for my facebook and Instagram details, but until I’d met him and made a decision as to whether or not I wanted him around, I didn’t want to share that much of my life with him.

The Date: The moment I met him on the street corner, I thought crap he was very short. Now hear me out, there’s nothing wrong with a short bloke, but when they’re the same size as you (and you’re 5ft) it’s not attractive. About 5 minutes into the walk I think crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, because not only did he insult my outfit, “what’s with the witchy skirt you’re wearing?” he made a discriminatory comment about someone we passed, and took the mick out of several others, thinking he was being clever and impressive. We hadn’t even sat down to dinner, and I already hated him, but as I’ve said before, I’m a brilliant actress, and besides, I was hungry and he thought my name was Amy Bobby-Brown, so I had nothing to lose.

Boy, was I wrong, from the moment we entered the restaurant he did nothing but complain about everything:

“It’s really busy in here!”

“Where’s the waitress, do I have to go up there myself?”

“That pomegranate juice taste like cucumber, it’s disgusting!”

“It’s very loud in here isn’t it?!”

“I’m so tired, I can’t even be bothered to pick, I’ll just have the burger!”

“I don’t like the decor in here!”

“The foods taking a while isn’t it?!”

“It’s really cold in here.”

“You got enough mayonnaise on there?!”

“That burger was horrible, I thought I was really hungry, but I think I was just thirsty, and I thought I couldn’t go wrong with a burger, but I think that was just a terrible burger! “

Turns out, I had a lot to lose, the main one being time, precious time I’d never get back, time that honestly would have been better spent scrubbing a toilet, than sitting opposite that whiny cockroach. What made his constant whining worse was his accent, it was a real slow drawl that made him sound simple, and if his attitude and chat were anything to go off, he was very simple. In between the complaining, he flooded me with questions, I felt like I was in an interview, and the questions he asked were very strange, for example: “you know on your text you said ‘dad’, what did you mean by that?” I’m pretty sure the answer is in the question.

Now as if all that wasn’t bad enough, he constantly tried to pressure me and make me feel guilty. When we first sat down he asked what I was drinking and when I replied water, he repeatedly asked me why I wasn’t drinking (to keep my wits about me) I felt I had to lie and say I was driving. He wasn’t happy that I wasn’t drinking alcohol and went on to ask what I normally drank on dates, and why I wasn’t drinking it now. He then went on to say, “so I’ve driven all the way here for a half an hour meal?!” I asked him what he was expecting as that’s what we had arranged, he acted as if it would be mad of him to drive all this way just for a meal. By this point he made me feel so uncomfortable and guilty that I agreed to have another drink after the meal, but when I reminded him that it would still be non alcoholic he said, “well we might as well not bother, I suppose I can have a walk around, or go on the climbing wall, so it’s not a wasted trip!” 

Needless to say, I was relieved when he relinquished me from our after meal drink, and as it was clear from both sides that it was a total disaster, I hoped I’d never hear from him again. And seen as any sane person would say that he was the awful one, I was vey surprised to receive this message from him later.

But of course, this is a clearly insane Common Roach I’m talking to, and of course, he had more moaning to do.

Side note: I had a sickness in the family and had to take a phone call to do with it during our meal, I’d apologized for it and afterward had had to return a text about it to, which I also apologized for and explained. Not to mention, like it or not, we are living in an age where having your phone out on the table and picking it up constantly is the norm and I sent ONE text.

My reply: I had a family emergency, I told you that.

CR: Not the phone call the texting!

R: Oh that ONE text that followed which was for the same reason?

CR: You texted twice (on reflection, I should have just stopped replying, but it really irritated me that his biggest problem was not a problem at all, and he was blaming the bad date on me.)

R: Christ, TWO texts in regards to a sickness in the family, which I had apologised and explained to you, someone shoot me, I’m the worst!!

CR: I 100% agree.  (Talk about overreacting.)

He then went on to call me names, and when I ignored him and blocked him on WhatsApp, he continued to insult me via text, so I had to block all calls and texts from his number.

And that, ladies and gentleman, is why I’m getting out of the water for a while.

Catch ya later,

Ren.

♥

Dating channel: Plenty of Fish Website.

I’ve been on Plenty Of Fish for a couple of weeks now and I’ve got to say, it isn’t the best, I still don’t feel like I fully understand it, and unlike Tinder where you cannot start a conversation with someone until you both mutually agree you’re interested in each other (in the form of matching), POF gives any, and every Tom, Dick and Harry the option to message you, leaving you with hundreds of messages a day!

And sometimes the same person will message you more than once- not because they’re really interested in you- because they message so many women they’ve forgotten they’ve already messaged you.

It also leaves a gateway for bogus, rude, and uninteresting people to message you things such as this:

“erm, have you ever fantasised about two men at once? :p”

“So like, do caterpillars know they are going to become butterflies, or do they just build a cacoon and be like WTF am I doing?”  (have to admit, I did find this one funny.)

“If you agree to a date, I’ll let you put your finger in my butt!”

Which leads me to my second grievance with POF, I’m starting to understand why they’ve given it the name plenty of fish. There are thousands of men on this website that have free rein to see your full profile and message you, it just doesn’t feel safe. It’s for this reason that I’ve set up my profile with a fake name. Although it is highly unlikely you’ll encounter any trouble, we all know there are crazies out there who do cross lines and harass and hurt people. So, by all means, put a real picture of you if you want, because lets face it, who trusts or wants to have a conversation with a faceless person, but just be vigilant about how much information you give up about yourself before meeting the person. Not everyone is who they say they are.

Worst case scenario: You don’t get stalked or murdered.                                                                        Best case scenario: You have a good laugh about your secret identity.

Now to the point, amongst the meaningless and at times unanswered chatter, I did have a few nice conversations but after days of endless talks, a pattern began to emerge and I found myself asking that same question to each of them:

When are you going to ask me out?

The five or six guys I am currently chatting to seem really keen, and we have really good conversations, but none of them have asked me out! I kept thinking to myself, what’s the point of all this, isn’t the whole point to get a date, so why aren’t any of these guys asking me out? I know it’s not because they’re not interested in me, so the conclusion seems to be that they are either:

A. A time waster.

B. Gutless,

C. A Catfish.

Pearl of wisdom: If you’ve been chatting consistently with a guy for a couple of weeks and he hasn’t asked you out yet, either ask him out yourself or throw him back in the water. Generally, if a guy doesn’t ask you out immediately, he’s an A, B or C.

I have to say, in the beginning, I did think that if I actually actively searched for a guy, I’d have been on a million dates by now, but dating really is hard work. In the movies they make it look so easy and fun. So far for me, the hardest part has been getting a date, admittedly I am very fussy but I do feel that a lot of the good ones are already taken as the saying goes. But, after 3 months, 1 catfish, and a lot of conversations with creeps, I think I’ve managed to reel in a decent date at last. Lets hope the actual dating part is easier.

Catch ya later,

Ren.

No words!

Catch ya later,

Ren.

♥

Dating channel: Plenty of fish Website.

As I’ve been struggling to get a bite on Tinder lately, I’ve been shopping around for the best dating website, (okay I did a google search, it took me five seconds) but still, two names kept popping up: Match.com and Plenty Of Fish.

As I’m not desperate enough to pay to pursue a man (..yet) and just to clarify, I’m not saying that people who pay are desperate, I’m just not that committed to the cause. I signed up to Plenty Of Fish, after what seemed like days filling in some silly chemistry, needs, and psychological assessments, and then completing a keeper and sex test, I was all set up. (I have to assume there is a method to that madness).

In the time it took me to fill in all the questions, I had already got 24 messages, so I eagerly waded through them, as the inbox amount continued to climb. There was the generic, “Hi”, “Hi, how are you?” and the long, ‘I’m new to this, and trying to make a point of how not sleazy I am’ messages which were so long I didn’t read, and then there was this:

“will you allow me to have an.al se.x with you? :)”

Followed by this, when I didn’t reply,

“WILL YOU ALLOW?”

I won’t tell you my reply, but lets just say he might think twice before greeting a lady like that again. So there was my first red flag, I was comfortable dealing with it myself but if anyone does offend you, or make you feel uncomfortable on these sites, you have the option to report them and/or block them from making further contact with you.

They don’t all seem bad though, some of them genuinely are looking for love and put effort into their contact, like this guy. My ‘headline’, (don’t ask me why you need a headline, but apparently you do) is: “Every Adventure Requires a First Step..” (Alice In Wonderland) to which someone messaged me saying:

“Hi there, I  want to go on adventures and from the looks of your pictures you know how to have adventures..maybe you could be the first step?”

Yes, it’s a little cheesy, but it shows he’s paying attention, he’s listening, and he’s trying.. Having said that, I wasn’t interested in him so I didn’t reply.

“Hi there hope all is well, thought I would see if you fancied a chat see how we get on, you sound very nice and grounded and your extremely pretty so I will leave it there and hopefully I will hear back from you 
Luke x”

Another sweetheart, so among the ‘You’re smoking hot’, ‘sexy lady’, ‘hot stuff’ bottomfeeders, there are a few fine fish, you’ve just gotta dive deep to find them.

I’m still fumbling my way through this website, it isn’t the easiest layout to understand, but I’ve started chatting to a few people.

Catch ya later,

Ren.

♥

Since my recent splash and dash with The catfish, I’ve been avoiding the water completely. And like with most bad experiences, I vowed to never do it again. But that catch a distant memory now, I decided to cast my nets out again.

There’s only one problem..

A pattern began to form:

Left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left a couple dozen more times-       There’s no one new around you

Left, left, left, left, click on the picture, read the bio, nope, left, left, left, left-        There’s no one new around you

Left, left, left, left, click on picture, scroll to next picture, nope, left, left-          There’s no one new around you

It definitely wasn’t raining men around me, sometimes the search would only bring up fifteen to twenty profiles, and even on the rare occasion it did present me with more options, the fussy, you’re not what I’m looking for inside of me, never swiped right.

So I had a good talking to myself, and as of last week I jumped back in and have matched with a handful of potentials. As I’ve learned my lesson of messaging a person constantly and beginning to feel like you know them- only to meet them and realise you got them all wrong. I’ve decided that the ‘match & meet’ approach will work better for me.

Glossary

Match & meet: Match with someone, and instead of indulging in the introductional questions, organise a meet up ASAP.

Match, chat & detach: Match with someone, chat the chat, and on realising they’re not for you, unmatch.

Match, chat, meet & detach: Match with someone, chat as much or as little as needed, organise a meetup, on realisation they aren’t what you’re looking for, unmatch.

Match, chat, meet & attach: You get the picture by now, except this one has the happy ending.

Catch ya later,

Ren.

♥

Dating channel: Tinder.

Alias: The Catfish

Backstory: I matched with a guy who looked pretty handsome and from his bio sounded pretty decent. After exchanging pleasantries, it wasn’t long before he asked for my number and we began texting. The more I found we had in common, the more I thought this guy could be a real possibility.

With the risk of sounding shallow (hear me out first) before I can figure out of I’m into someone, I need to have seen them in person. Not just to see if I’m physically attracted to them (because let’s face it, anyone can make themselves look good in a photo) but to get the full picture. For me, I can fall in love with anyone on paper, and I do regularly when I read, but that’s not real. So if I’ve not met the guy, his words don’t seem real, and they are as meaningless and disconnected from me, as the words in my books. Having a brief conversation with someone in writing only gives you a fraction of who they are, it doesn’t tell you the most important things about them: how they treat and speak to others, what their mannerisms are, and how they carry themselves. It doesn’t show you if their smile reaches their eyes, or what you’ll feel like when they look at you. You don’t even know something as trivial as what their voice sounds like. In order to feel something for someone, I need the whole picture, otherwise, they feel like a fictional character.

For some people though, like the catfish, his own imagination and made-up version of a person was enough for him, he was very sure that he liked me, and already talking of the future, which put me off a little as we’d only been texting for 3 days -I could have been a very intelligent typing poodle for all he knew. After a week of texting, his enthusiasm for me only grew stronger, but he was still in no hurry to meet, which bugged me. I felt I needed to meet him as soon as possible, so I could make a decision on the situation, and seen as he was already asking my opinion on his living room furniture, picking holiday destinations, and talking to me like we’d been in a relationship for 6 months- I didn’t want to waste any more of our time if we didn’t gel in person. Eventually, he agreed to meet with me, and although I was hopeful that we’d get along because we seemed to have similar interests, and in his picture, he had good hair, chiseled features, and deep brown eyes- I was worried by how intense he already was. But I pushed my doubts to the back of my mind and organised our first date.

Location: A country pub, half way between both our houses, as we lived an hour and a half drive away from each other. (On reflection, the distance is already a red flag, the only guy I’d travel an hour and a half to date is Leonardo Dicaprio and I’m no supermodel so that’s my chance down the drain)

Time: 7pm. The catfish had booked a table, I rocked up 30 minutes late after getting very lost. When I got out of my car, I took one look at him and immediately wanted to leave, he totally catfished* me. And now I had to sit through a meal with him.

*Getting catfished is when you are lead to believe someone looks a certain way or leads a certain life over social media, and when you meet them in person, it’s clear they are not the person they claimed they were.

So, now this is the part where I will sound shallow, but I’m only human and this was an extreme catfish situation. Firstly, his face was a totally different shape to the face in his picture, and not in a ‘that’s a really old pic’ kinda way, like a ‘that’s a totally different person in the picture’ kinda way. Secondly, he absolutely did not have brown eyes, so unless he was wearing contacts in the photograph, that photograph, again, was not him. I was so shocked, I couldn’t look him in the eye for the whole night- I felt so stupid and like I’d be a horrible person if I left. So I tried to see past the difference in appearance, and focus on getting to know the man sitting opposite me, and not the one I’d seen in the photograph, but it was no use. All his mannerisms made me cringe, his in-person chat was very dull, and his voice reminded me of Julian Clary. But the worst part was still to come, as he cooed “Bless you!” and fake laughed at something I’d said (that wasn’t even funny), he awkwardly reached over the table to pat my leg, missed, and bowed his head in search of it- that’s when I noticed it. He was balding. So he’d lied about his age too.

And if all of that wasn’t bad enough, the goodbye was worse than worse. Now I know I’m a polite person, and can fake an interest well (when wanting to spare someone’s feelings) I know I’m not that good an actress, so why he thought that I’d want to kiss him before leaving is beyond me. He definitely needs to work on reading a situation too, because as I’d avoided eye contact, all contact for that matter, while saying goodbye. Before I was able to dive into the safety of my car, he grabbed me, gushed “come here!” and spun me around, before hurtling his lips toward mine. Horrified, and with no time to do anything else to stop it, I actually had to put my hand over my mouth to stop his lips from touching mine. Trying to save him further embarrassment I made an excuse about not kissing on the first date, but he tried again. What the hell was wrong with this guy. I’d been sweet enough through the whole shipwreck so I pushed him off, jumped into my car, and sped off as fast as I could- deleting all trace of the slimy sod on my arrival home.

WARNING: Catfish swim these waters.

Catch ya later,

Ren.