Siren of the Sea

“Never be afraid to try something new, because life gets boring when you stay within the limits of what you already know.”

I’ve been thinking lately about The Guppy and his ridiculous ghost act, and I guess I did a ghost act of my own. From the very beginning I was never that interested in him, and when things were in full swing, I still wasn’t, but I floated along with it anyway. I buried who I really was, and how I thought and felt to continue that dead end pursuit, and I couldn’t even tell you why. I was fiercely unfulfilled, uninterested and unsatisfied and acting completely unlike me. So we were both ghosts in the end, funny that.

Anyway, this weeks story..

I got back on bumble, I matched with a very tall, dark and handsome looking man. After the initial ‘Hi, how are you?’ kinda line I threw him, he came straight out with this massive paragraph:

“Yeah, ok, so I figure honesty is always the best policy.  (I appreciate that!) So I’m not looking for a one off shag, I’m looking to settle down and start a relationship, but I do love the idea of being a Dom. (Full disclosure, I almost had to google ‘Dom’- thought he was wanting me to call him Dominic or something haha) It’s something I’ve done before. I’ve had quite a few experiences and yadda, yadda yadda..

So, that’s kinda it really. I know there are a million websites for dom and subs (oh, now I know what a ‘Dom’ is!) but they’re all overweight girls with green hair and Nintendo tshirts, you get the gist, not my thing. So yeah- I hope this doesn’t freak you out? I’d like to hear back from you either way if it’s something you like or not. (That’s nice) Xx

When I first read it, I was a little taken back by his boldness, then I really respected him for it, and the way he’d written made me think that he might be quite a nice, together, mature guy rather than a full-of-himself ‘Dom’, so I considered it for a moment. And within no time at all, I knew it was absolutely something I’d be willing to try. In fact, I had been curious about light bondage in the past, but it’s something that’s quite hard to fall into naturally, and I wasn’t curious enough to go searching for it, so I thought this seemed like an exciting opportunity. I was tired of being the one in control in the bedroom, I longed for someone to throw me around, and tell me what to do- put me in my place. So I replied:

“Appreciate the honesty, and as it happens that’s actually something I’ve been curious about and wanted to try.. Just never had the opportunity arise. Nothing too hard core though.”

He replied: “Ok, do you have kik? If not download it and send me your username, Is that clear and understood? x” (Woah, have we already started?)

Already, this seemed like a lot of unnecessary work. I looked into this ‘Kik’ app thinking it might be a special ‘dom’ and ‘sub’ app designed to keep you safe or something, but it was just a chat site, like messenger, or WhatsApp, or you know the app we were already using, so I told him it all sounded very complicated and suggested we continued to talk on bumble.

No reply.

So then I messaged him a couple of weeks later: “Did I not pass the obedience test then?”

Nothing.

I guess not. And I guess he was a full-of-himself Dom after all. So my fantasies of crawling around on all fours with a leash around my neck would just have to wait a little while longer. (Although, I’m not sure that is a fantasy of mine, I guess now I’ll never find out!)

Catch ya later,

Ren.

“Rejection becomes welcomed when you realise it’s the universe’s way of saving us from mediocrity.”

Everything carried on as boring and usual with The Guppy, I met him from work a couple of nights in the week, we walked straight back to his place, either watched a crappy movie, or had bad sex (I knew there was no point trying to teach this one anything). When we realised we both had the upcoming Sunday off work we’d planned to spend the Saturday night together as he would finish work early and then we could wake up together for a lazy Sunday.

I got a text on Saturday evening saying he’d have to cancel meeting me after work as he’d forgotten he was going out for a friend’s birthday. I was a little bummed out but I didn’t say anything, these things happen. He promised we’d still hang on Sunday so I told him to have a good time.

I woke up late on Sunday to find no message from him, I assumed he was hung over so I pottered around the house. After lunch I was getting a bit annoyed because if I’d have known it was going to be an afternoon hang, I’d have made plans in the morning but I didn’t text him, I just waited, trying to make the most of my day so it wasn’t completely wasted. 3pm came, I was getting restless, I casually texted him asking if I should make new plans: no reply. By 5pm I was livid, it was just plain rude now, if he needed to cancel the least he could do was tell me so I wasn’t hanging on the telephone, I’m not that kind of girl.

I heard nothing for 2 days.

Then he randomly popped up with a weak apology and a lame excuse. He invited me over so I saw this as an opportunity to get things straight as I’d pretty much said goodbye to him in my head. I told him it was not acceptable to treat people that way, that I acknowledge that things come up, people get busy, but they are never too busy to send a quick text to let someone know. I gave him ‘an out’ right there and then, I told him that I can accept flakiness and distance from anyone else but I wont accept it from the people I’m dating, so if he couldn’t commit to communicating and being respectful and kind, then we should stop sleeping together and just be friends, or walk away completely. He said he didn’t want friendship or to walk away, and he asked for another chance, promising he’d do better, so why then, once I’d left his house did I never hear from him again.

SERIOUSLY?

He fully ghosted me.

But what I don’t get, is why he had to ghost me, we’d just had a conversation where I’d literally given him the opportunity to never speak to me again but he hadn’t taken it. Now, I understand he might have been too much of a coward to tell me how he really felt, but he didn’t have to lie. What was the point in that. He didn’t have to say that he wanted to be with me and that he’d try harder, he could have just said nothing. I can never understand why people say things they don’t mean, when they have no obligation to say anything at all.

Anyway, I ghost busted his ass. Note to all the ghosts out there, you can’t ghost someone if they know where to find you, it doesn’t work, especially if you know they are a regular at the bar you work in, you idiot. So, about three weeks after his disappearance, I went for a drink at the bar he works in with the usual crew. As soon as he saw me come in, he retreated into the back, I was having a blast watching him squirm. When he eventually came out from hiding, I went straight up to him and said:

“Hi there, remember me?”

All he did was laugh awkwardly.

“So, dude. What happened?”

More awkward laughing, “what? What you on about?”

“You disappeared.”

Laughing again, God this guy’s such a child, “yeah well, you went off at me didn’t you.”

“Sure, see you around.”

I couldn’t talk to him any longer than that, I knew I wasn’t going to get a valid explanation, or be able to make him understand how messed up his actions were, but I had to confront him anyway, so he’d know he couldn’t just do shit like that without consequence or at the very least a conversation that made him feel uncomfortable.

At the rate I’m collecting ghosts, I’ll be the star of my very own horror movie in no time.

Catch ya later,

Ren.

“A strong woman will automatically stop trying if she feels unwanted. She won’t fix it or beg, she’ll just walk away.”

Okay, so you know I said I was enjoying the Guppy’s company and bad sex was better than no sex? Well, that didn’t last long.

He was so boring.

As you know, he works in a bar so we barely got to hang out outside of the bar. I’d often wait for him to finish and in the little hours we’d go back to his and usually just sleep or watch a movie, and occasionally we’d have bad sex.

There was no adventure.

On his days off, he’d sleep in so I’d be at work, or going to work by the time he woke. Even when he was awake at the same time as me, all we’d do was lay in bed watching a shit movie. When we weren’t doing that, he’d have his laptop out doing ‘work’. Now, I’m all for the trivial hangs and existing alongside each other doing our own thing together, there can be a lot of beauty in those simplistic moments, but all this was not that, and we’d known each other less than a month, we shouldn’t be in a dead married routine this early.

There was no excitement.

There was no passion.

I don’t know how I stuck it out for as long as I did, and I don’t know how he was the one who ended up ending it with me, boredom really does make you settle. Anyway, long story short, he finally had an evening free, so we’d planned to go for a nice meal as I wanted to get all dressed up and actually do something for a change. The plan was for him to wear his going out clothes to work so I could meet him from there and we could head straight to the restaurant. Bulletproof plan right?

Wrong.

I’d had a rough day at work and had to skip lunch, so I’d messaged him to say I was starving and joked about us having to run straight to the restaurant. At 8pm I waited outside his work for him, my stomach rumbling, then he appeared wearing a Hawaiian shirt and joggers. I didn’t say anything, not that I had a chance anyway, without so much as a hello or a hug to make me feel better about my rubbish day, he flew past me and started walking as if I wasn’t even there, like it was just a given that I’d follow him. This was new, normally I got a hug, or a hello, some kind of acknowledgement that I was seen, that he wanted me there, that I mattered. Even though he just made me feel like nothing in a way that’s hard to articulate now, I pushed my annoyance to the back of my mind, I was just happy to be with him after the day I’d had. It turned out he was leading me back to his place, he said he needed to get changed (strike 2- he was supposed to already be ready.) After 20 minutes of him sat in the lounge catching up with his housemate, he finally went to shower, leaving me watching ‘Open All Hours’ with this stranger. After the longest shower ever, he returned with glasses and whiskey and said, ‘who wants a drink?’ My insides were eating themselves, I said that I thought we were going out, and he replied, ‘well where do you want to go?’ as if we hadn’t already made plans, I reminded him of those plans and he said, ‘I know, I’ve just got to wait for my clothes to finish in the dryer.’ 

SERIOUSLY?

Strike 3. You’ve had days to get some clothes ready and you should have already been wearing them when I met you from work, and seriously, you must own more than one outfit, you aren’t a Simpsons character. I bit my tongue, quietly sipped on my whiskey and patiently waited for his clothes to dry, all the while my stomach was screaming, along with the voice inside my head. Nearly 2 hours later, I was sitting across a table from Guppy who was wearing a different Hawaiian shirt and a different pair of joggers, cut to the voice in my head screaming: SERIOUSLY, what was the point of the last 2 hours.

I was obviously quieter than normal, all my energy was focused on biting my tongue instead of biting his head off while we waited for the food. The food arrived and I was starting to feel better, until he had the audacity to ask me what was wrong. After I’d explained nonchalantly the things that had frustrated me, and explained they didn’t matter because we were here now, he implied that I was being over dramatic and I was ‘just moody because I’d had a bad day and now I was taking that out on him.’ 

SERIOUSLY?

I let go of my tongue. I explained that I had had the kind of day that would put even the strongest person in a bad mood, but as soon as I left work and thought about seeing him, I’d forgotten all about it, and it was actually his greeting, or lack of, that was the catalyst for this mood I now could not shake. I even said to him that I was 2 seconds from walking out of his flat after he pratted around for so long knowing I hadn’t eaten all day and that we’d made plans, and that I was now 1 second away from walking out of the restaurant because of his ignorance. He was very shocked by this, and I suppose if you weren’t going through the motions with me that night, maybe you wouldn’t understand why I was so angry and fed up, and maybe I was being over dramatic, I don’t know. All I know is he was showing his immaturity and inexperience in the way he was handling this situation, and he was showing me the kind of man he’d be during a storm, and it wasn’t the kind of man that could understand or handle me.

Despite my doubts about moving forward with him, and because he had eventually (sort of) apologised for upsetting me, I told him we should just forget about it, blame it on my day and have a nice time, so I faked my way through dinner, through the walk home, and then through an orgasm. After all I was trying to be a less rash and impulsive version of myself, that version would have walked at strike 2.

There’s more to this story, even though the dormant rash and impulsive me would have, and every version should have walked by now.

Catch ya later,

Ren.

“I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till I drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion.”

A while ago, I matched with a guy on Tinder and although he would tell you it was me that kept blowing him off, and was too busy to meet, after 3 weeks of trying to organised a date, I’d had enough and told him we should give up. (On reflection, he might have had a point as he said that all the times I suggested a meet were either really late at night, or with little notice. Which does sound like me as I’m not very good at planning in advance, and as I suffer from insomnia I often get restless in the night and look for distractions.) Either way, I got fed up with having not met this guy within 3 weeks of talking to him, as I felt that if we met up and didn’t like each other then it was a long time to have wasted on each other.
Side note: The more I write about myself, my values, attitudes, and thought processes, the more I can understand why I’m still single. Who in their right mind would wanna take me on! I’m utterly insane.
Anyway, I ended up bumping into this guy on social media and he suggested we give a meet another go and I thought, what the hell.

Alias: The Goldfish.
The Date: We met at a bar of his choice, which is actually one of my favourites so I was impressed before even arriving. Upon arrival I continued to be impressed, he stood to greet me, bought me a drink and had a delicious smile. The conversation flowed well, although, as I was knocking back the fishbowl sized gin and tonics he kept supplying me with, the flow was a little one sided on my part. I realised this while in the bathroom as I debated with myself whether or not I liked him, it appeared I didn’t really know much about him. On my return he took the mic and we had quite a lot in common. He had a job that would have sent me to sleep but he talked about it passionately and I liked that.

After a couple of drinks, we decided to grab some food, there was a little festival in town full of food trucks so we decided to go there thinking it would be full of life. However, when we arrived we were the only people there, I quickly got chatting and joking with the food vendors, security and bar staff like usual, and to my delight Goldfish joined in. My boldness, and interest in talking with strangers has unnerved or isolated people in the past, so the fact he was not only comfortable with it but was also that way inclined was a massive plus. Our inclusion of these strangers into our night, resulted in numerous free drinks and dishes, and a ton of laughs and chats. They left us with great memories of a night that otherwise could have been very isolated, quiet and boring.

We both agreed we’d like to see each other again, and just when online dating had finally done me a solid, a happenstance threw a spanner in the works.

The next night I was out with a friend drinking in a multistory bar. The night was another ‘strangers becoming friends’ affair, and by closing time we were sitting with a guy who worked in the basement bar and were about to have a lock in with the owner and workers of the bar we were currently in. There was one barman in particular who was pretty quiet throughout the night and didn’t make much of an impression, but something about him had peaked my interest. Over the coming weeks I spend most of my afternoons and evenings at the bar, I’d go to drink, but mostly I’d go just to hang out or read, be around people rather than sit at home alone. Most of the time I was at the bar the quiet guy was working, so we began to bond over books and philosophies of life, we seemed to be pretty similar in our outlook on life and how we lived it. Eventually we hung out outside of the bar, and I was really starting to like him, there was just one problem, I wasn’t sure if I was physically attracted to him.

So, I had a decision to make: The Goldfish or The Guppy. My friends said I should just continue to see both of them until one of them out shined the other. In all honesty I don’t think I really wanted either of them, I just wanted someone and I felt bad seeing them both at the same time, so I made my decision purely based on the fact that I’d rather be able to say, ‘oh I was in a bar with my friend and he served me a drink, and here we are.’ rather than the flat, ‘we met on Tinder,’ but that’s just me and my high standards of life and dating. So I picked The Guppy.

The Goldfish was very understanding so I began to pursue The Guppy guilt free, and for a while it was nice, we took things slow which seems to be the norm for me now, this is a new occurrence in my dating life, but I quite like it, having restraint, working up to each stage of the relationship. The hug, the kiss, the sleepover, the sex. It was exciting wondering when the next thing would happen rather then ticking them all off in one go like I used to. However, I’m not sure The Guppy felt the same, he felt my lack of texting, dislike for PDA and minimal physical contact meant I wasn’t interested. After I explained that in the beginning I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be more than friends, and didn’t want to rush into any of the steps before I was sure I wanted them, his view of me shifted from uninterested to ‘the least affectionate person he’d ever met.’

Admittedly, he wasn’t wrong, because I had my doubts about him, I didn’t want to give him the wrong impression that we were going to be something. I worried he was naive and immature, that he had no passion or drive in life and that he was just saying things he thought I wanted to hear instead of being real with me, all of these qualities I’d quickly tired of. I struggle with people who just let life happen to them, who just accept crap and don’t demand more, I just want to shake them alive.
But anyway, it was early days and although the sex was very clumsy and short, I was enjoying his company, and for now, bad sex was better than no sex.

Catch ya later,

Ren.

“Be weird. Be random. Be who you are. Because you never know who would love the person you hide.”

I’ve recently been trawling through Tinder and Bumble, not looking for anything in particular, just someone to peek my interest. I matched with a guy, who straight out told me he had a foot fetish. I admired his full disclosure, he wasn’t hiding who he was, or what he liked, and he wasn’t wasting anyone’s time by beating around the ‘foot’ either. So to honour his spirit, I sent him a picture of my feet but was very honest about why:

“I admire your security and boldness, however I’m not into feet, or guys that are into feet as I hate feet. So this is a gift, enjoy!”

He then asked me if he could see my soles, as they were his favourite part, I declined- I didn’t really want to venture any further down this rabbit hole. He then sent me a load of pictures of girls showing off their feet in various ways and asked if i could mimic the poses (see below)

I’m about throwing up by this point at the thought of it. I’m all about people getting their kicks whenever and however they can, but when it’s to do with something that I can’t stand, I’m out. As I politely refused and wished him luck on his quest to, ‘find a girl to rub her feet all over his face’, he said this:

“I came amazingly to that pic. Thank you.”

Well, there we go, I can tick that one of the list I guess. However, it was way too much kinkiness for me, and as I swallowed down vomit, I quickly deleted his profile and vowed never to humour a foot guy again, my stomach couldn’t handle it.

Catch ya later,

Ren.

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.”

Can you remember the guy I slept with but 2 minutes in, I had a meltdown and then had to sleep awkwardly side by side with him in my single bed? Are you ready to hear why I likened him to a seal pup, okay listen up.

After I discovered my lady parts weren’t broken along with my heart. I felt ready to give seal boy another go, but as I hadn’t talked to him in a while (I was busy having sex with Cutie McGymbod from my previous post) not to mention the fact I hadn’t exactly given him a good reason to want to see me again. I expected that he would ignore me if I reached out, but I did it anyway- I had nothing to lose.

To my surprise, he was more than willing to take another shot at me, so we went out for Thai food. Long story short, I decided almost immediately that contrary to my previous belief, I was totally not into him. As I’d feel bad dragging him all the way over to my turf for a short date- after everything I’d already made him endure- I suggested we have a couple of drinks before we went our separate ways. Now don’t get me wrong, he was an attractive, interesting and likeable guy, he was a catch, he’d make any girl very happy, but I knew now, that he wouldn’t make me happy.

Later on as we were saying good night, he was lingering- I already knew what he wanted and I knew that I didn’t want to do that again, however, like before I felt obliged to invite him in for a drink. Sure enough, a couple of sips into his beer and he was kissing me, heavy. And before I knew it, he was grinding on top of me, and that’s when it hit me what went wrong the night we half slept together. His sex technique was all wrong, instead of using his hips, he just kind of flopped around on top of me. The only way I can describe it is, it was as if he was doing ‘the worm’ on top of me, he had way too much body rolling going on, I felt like he was going to clap his fins together any minute and yelp in excitement while balancing a ball on his nose. He had to go, immediately.

Once I’d seen him out, apologising again for wasting his time, I closed the door. I leaned my back against it, and sank down to the floor with a big smile on my face. I wasn’t a soppy romantic, and my sex drive had never withered when my heart had, he was just terrible in bed. I felt bad for the guy, he had a thing or two to learn about sex and women, but I wasn’t going to be the one to show him.

Catch ya later,

Ren.

“Sex is a part of nature, I go along with nature.”

Mission accomplished.

I’ve always had a brief flirt with a friend of a friend’s friend, but every time our paths crossed he’d a girlfriend, so nothing would ever come of it. Recently our paths crossed again, and he was single. We got chatting and discovered we both had an itch that the other could scratch. I needed a distraction from my ex, and he was always looking for a bit of fun. Plenty of laughs and liquor later, we ended up in my single bed and I had no desire to tell this one to stop, we even spooned afterwards.

That night was exactly what I’d needed, I could think, I could finally fully function without that niggling need plaguing me. I began seeing this guy about once a week, and it was really nice. I’d had friends with benefits, and regular booty calls in the past and although they scratched an itch and kept my number down (not that it was really about that, it was more about convenience) they always felt a little cold and unfulfilling. As these ‘arrangements’ were a necessity in my life, (if I go too long without ‘bumping uglies’, I start to go mad), a little frost was a small price to pay to avoid settling in a relationship just to have it available to me regularly.

This guy was different though, we didn’t just meet to have sex and then leave. Although we didn’t like each other enough to want to have a future together, we liked each other enough to hang out and chat before we had sex- it was refreshing. We genuinely had time for each other, there were no games, we were honest and knew where we both stood. This took a lot of pressure off, and we didn’t have to worry the other person would ask for more. It was the perfect arrangement, I was really happy with whatever it was that I had with him, until..

While trying to organise a hang one time, he started acting as if he was trying to blow me off, so I casually told him if he wasn’t interested in me anymore it was fine, I’d just prefer for him to tell me, to which he responded that he was interested, however a regular meet up was pretty much a relationship, and he didn’t want a relationship. Interesting, I guess we have very different views on what a relationship is. We saw each other once a week, most of the time I didn’t stay overnight and we never chatted in between, I feel sorry for his future girlfriend if that was a relationship to him.

I think he thought that I was more into him than I actually was. You see he’s a very attractive guy, and really muscly because he goes to the gym every day. He looks amazing with and without clothes, and unfortunately some of these kind of guys get a god complex. They think because they look so good, that they are superior, that every girl they spend time with regularly will fall in love with them. But what this guy failed to notice, was that I wasn’t like every other girl. Don’t get me wrong, I loved to look at him while we were doing the deed because his body really turned me on, but it takes a lot more than superficialities for me to fall in love. So although he was probably blowing me off to spare my feelings- because he assumed I’d have them for him-I resented it.

On reflection, something else I noticed about this experience was that he wasn’t actually that good in bed. Looking back, I took the lead most of the time, which I don’t mind- obviously I like control. But I seemed to be the one doing all the work most the time, and instead of eventually taking over, he’d just let me. I hadn’t realised immediately at the time, it’s almost like he’s so good looking that in the moment that’s enough. This is a pattern I’ve noticed while sleeping with really good looking guys, I think because they are so good looking and girls probably can’t believe that this ‘amazing hot guy’ has ‘picked her out of all the girls’ because ‘he can get any girl he wants’, that they pretty much don’t need to be any good in bed, because either way the girl ‘wont be able to believe that just happened’ and will boast about it to everyone regardless of content. Then the vicious circle begins again when more girls want to have a go due to his flawless reputation. So these poor beautiful boys go through life thinking they’re really good in bed, but it’s just because nobody notices or feels like they can say anything because the stereotype is that if they look that good, they are that good. It’s a real shame, they’ll probably be trapped in that illusion their whole lives, having mediocre sex forever.

Having said that, he is a really nice guy and I still really enjoyed sleeping with him. I think given more time we’d have built up a sexual rapport which would have gotten that starfish moving, and killed his beautiful boy persona. It’s for these reasons that I’d jump back into bed with him in a heartbeat, unlike the other beautiful boys I’ve slept with, this one definitely has more to offer.

Catch ya later,

Ren.

“Someone disappearing on you doesn’t reflect your worth. It reflects their fear of being seen.”

Side note: The Seal Pup was very understanding about what had recently happened between us in the bedroom, but not only that, he was still interested and willing to wait. I did really like him up until my little meltdown so I continued to talk to him, hoping I’d be ready to go on a second date soon.

The whole situation had shook me though. I was worried that I’d broken my sex drive, that I’d become a soppy romantic that couldn’t have meaningless sex because my heart was broken. So I was on a mission to prove I hadn’t gone soft, so I needed a f**k boy to help me do it.

Dating Channel: Bumble

Alias: Ghost Carp

The Backstory: I decided to try out a new dating app, it’s the feminist version of Tinder, as the women make the first move. I very quickly found a very aesthetically pleasing looking guy whose bio read: Not going to lie, just looking for a good time. He was exactly what I was looking for, if I couldn’t get my freak on with this guy, I was definitely damaged goods for the time being.

I swiped for him and we matched instantly, then I sent him a message straight away, there was no need for games, we were both after the same thing. He messaged me back within the hour and as it was a Saturday and we were already onto the subject of sex, I cut right to the chase and asked him if he wanted to meet later that night. I was out with my girlfriends for a meal and he was out with his guys for drinks, so he told me to give him his number and he’d text me later to arrange. I was delighted, arranging sex had been as quick and easy as ordering a pizza.

While out with my girls, I told them all about the dessert I’d lined up. But when I’d gone onto the app to show them pictures of him, he was gone. He’d unmatched me. I couldn’t believe it, what had changed in the 4 hours since we’d made plans. My friends seemed to think that I’d intimidated him, because I’d responded to his advances with more advances and according to my girls, men don’t expect that because a lot of them are all talk, and they can’t handle a girl who knows what she wants.

I’d encountered my first Ghost. For those of you who are not aware of the term, ghosting or being ghosted. It’s when someone you know suddenly disappears from you life and cuts all forms of communication. There’s usually no lead up to it, or clear reasoning why, in my opinion that’s why I think they likened it to death, as often everything is fine and then all of a sudden that person is gone without warning. At times, being ghosted can actually feel as though someone has died, because it’s not limited to people you’ve been chatting to online, or people you’ve known for a brief amount of time, ghosting is sometimes done to you by long term friends and partners. Its a horrible cowardly way out, it’s a slap in the face and that’s why I hate it. People need closure, they deserve an explanation as to way someone they’ve invested time, effort and love into has decided they don’t want you in their life anymore. Communication is always key for me, people deserve words and reasons.

Anyway, I’m ranting again. A couple more matches and disappearances later and I was beginning to think my girls might be onto something. I had a lot to learn, I didn’t think it would be so hard to f**k a self confessed f**k boy. I thought that a forward girl, who was only looking for the same thing as them would be every guys dream, apparently it’s not.

The mission continues.

Catch ya later,

Ren.

“Heart’s are wild creatures, that’s why our ribs are cages.”

Dating channel: Tinder

Alias: Seal Pup

Backstory: I matched with this guy, he seemed nice, we enjoyed chatting to each other so we arrange to go on a date.

The Date: We met in a pub, he had an indie look about him which I liked, and he had a similar job to mine so we had plenty in common. He paid for all my drinks and made me laugh a lot so we ended up staying out all night, by midnight I was drunk. I hadn’t planned to take him home but all the whiskey swimming around in my brain thought it would be a good idea, so by 2am we were cosied up on my single mattress on the floor (the main reason I hadn’t planned to take him home).

The Point: Or should I say problem. Believe it or not, the problem was not the fact we barely fitted on my bed, or the fact that half way through kissing and taking our clothes off I thought it would be a good time to wake my housemate up and introduce her to this stranger, the problem was the sex, and not for any reason I would have expected. So about 2 to 3 minutes in I start to have a panic attack. I panic because I realise that I haven’t slept with anyone since the Diamond Fish I was in love with, and in my drunken haze I started to freak out because I’m sleeping with someone that isn’t Diamond Fish and it feels all wrong, so I ask him to stop.

At this point I’m mortified, nothing like this has ever happened to me before, and telling him why was one of the most awkward moments of my life, scratch that, having to lay side by side with him in my single bed, because obviously we weren’t going to spoon, was one of the most awkward moments of my life.

He scurried off in the morning without saying much, I was sure I’d never hear from him again, but I was wrong. I’ll tell you all about it soon, and why I refer to him as a seal.

Catch ya later,

Ren.

“Someone who needs power and control, and will not stop until they get it, is someone who is deeply afraid of life. Fearful people can only have things their way.”

A good friend of mine, recently set me up with her plumber. Now before your stereotyping brain conjures up an image of an overweight, balding guy in a work belt (or is that just me) instead, imagine big brown eyes, full bodied hair and a chiselled out goatee. Yes I’m describing Robert Downey Jr, AKA Iron Man, and yes this was the pretence of how he was being sold to me.

I’d never been set up before so the prospect was exciting, and I’d have to be pretty stupid to pass up a date with Tony Stark, so I let her give him my number and after about a week of shy texting (on his part) he finally plucked up the courage to ask me out..

.. ON A DOUBLE DATE..

.. WITH ONE OF HIS FRIENDS AND HIS GIRLFRIEND OF FIVE YEARS!

Woah! At first I thought it was a little fast to tick off meet the friends AND double date on the first date, but I thought what the hell.

Alias: Tony Shark

Date location: A theatre show, then drinks after.

The date started out well, and although I didn’t see much of a resemblance to Iron Man, he was very attractive. He bought me a drink at the bar and the chat with him and his friends before the show didn’t ring any warning bells or earn any strikes against him. The show was very funny, and relied heavily on audience participation which didn’t bode well for us, as we were on the front row, but we were good sports and had fun with it, although not everyone else did.

Another gentleman on the front row began to haggle one of the actors while they were trying to deliver their lines, it got so bad that the actor had to break character to ask the gentleman to leave, but despite saying the show was a load of rubbish he refused to go. I was outraged by this man as he continued to openly bad mouth and interrupt the performance, and so was the rest of the audience who chanted, ‘get out.’ As the man wasn’t far from where I was sitting and ruining the show for everyone, I leaned over to him and suggested he should leave as he obviously wasn’t having a good time and now because of him no one else was. Before I’d even finished my sentence I felt myself being yanked back into my seat and told very sternly by Tony Shark to ‘SHUT UP!’  I was speechless, I felt like a child being told off by her father, although my father would never disrespect me like that. That was strike one. Nobody controls or silences my words, especially when I am doing whats right and in defence of others. However, as I know many people struggle to stand up, or speak out and struggle to cope with confrontation-even when justified- I gave him the benefit of the doubt and let that one go.

The gentleman was eventually escorted out and the show went on. Afterwards we got chatting to another couple who’d also been pulled into the story line and had a good laugh about it. When we learned they were from another town, Tony Shark invited them to join us or a drink, so it was now a triple date. I didn’t mind though, I’m a very social person and inviting them along would have been something I’d have done myself in a normal situation, so I was pleased that he had, it cancelled out his recent strike.

We went to a local pub, the alcohol began to flow and so did the conversation. Two gin and tonics later, Tony Stark and his couple friends, other couple friends joined the gathering, so we ran out of seats. I collected a seat for everyone, except myself, I perched on the arm of Tony Shark’s. Everyone in turn tried to offer me their chair, but I told them I was just as comfortable where I was, they all accepted it and moved on, except Tony Shark, he persisted. But instead of persisting I take his chair, he persisted that I sit on his lap. Now, the only person’s lap I’d ever want to sit on at my age, is Santa Claus’, so I politely declined the offer. Apparently he had hearing damage like old Mr Claus though, as he would not stop asking me to sit on his lap, to the point that when I went to get my own chair to shut him up, he still wanted me to sit on his lap. I had a chair now, there was no reason for me to sit on his lap, but still he couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t just sit on his lap. Like I’m the one whose out of line for not wanting to sit on a stranger’s lap, on our first date in front of all his friends. It was the second time of the night that I felt like he was trying to control me in some way. This was strike two. In my perception of the incident, this was his macho way of displaying to everyone that I was with him, that within that group I was his. And given the slightly feminist argument that followed my billionth refusal to sit on his lap, and his billionth refusal to accept that, I don’t think he even saw in himself his true, subconscious motive.

We agreed to disagree. Normally I’d have ditched the date on strike two, because it rang so many warning bells it warranted about 3 strikes in one, however I was slightly buzzed at this point and I’d become investing in all these people he’d invited along to our date, so I didn’t want to leave just yet, and I hoped that along the way he’d redeem himself.

He did not. he got worse.

After the local pub, we went to a club and did a couple of shots, did some dancing and then Tony Shark and the original couple friends went outside for a cigarette. I joined them, as I was still technically on a date with him and I felt like that was the right thing for me to do, so I sat next to him. As I wasn’t smoking and he was in a conversation with the couple that I couldn’t hear, I sat and waited to go back inside, staring ahead at nothing. A guy must have noticed my bored stare as he moved into the seat next to me and began a conversation. It turned out he knew me from an old job so he wanted to say hi, and we began to enthusiastically reminisce, I was happy for something to do. Next thing I knew, Tony Shark pushed the guy away from me and accused him of trying to ‘get with my girl, right in front of me’. 

SAY WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!!!!!!

Again, I’m speechless. Who does this caveman think he is. I don’t even have to explain to you all of what’s wrong with that situation. Safe to say, that was his third and final strike. What he had to say in defence of his prehistoric behaviour was that A. He’d invited me on a date and all I’d done all night was talk to his friends- sorry mate, if you only wanted me to talk to you, then maybe you shouldn’t have invited a hundred different people to join our date, excuse me for trying to make an effort with your friends. B. Then after I refused to sit on his knee, (don’t even get me started on that again, you bloody neanderthal), I’d ‘blatantly’ tried to get with another guy while still on a date with him- hold up, you don’t know me well enough to say I ‘blatantly’ did anything, the date was over the minute you man handled me and told me to shut up and this isn’t the 1950’s, I have a lot of friends that are guys, so for all you know, that could have been one of them, or a work colleague, or MY BROTHER! Get real, there are a 100 million other reason why a girl would talk to a guy in a public place, other than to try and ‘get with them’.

In conclusion, although the date was a disaster, I actually had an amazingly fun night with all the people I met, they completely understood why I wouldn’t be going on a second date with T Shark and I had a hilarious story to tell my girlfriends.

Catch ya later,

Ren.