♥

Dating channel: Tinder.

Alias: The penis fish.

Backstory: His main picture was his penis, I immediately wanted to mess with this guy.

I’ve been on tinder about a week now, and not really found anyone I’m seriously interested in, so I decided to explore the different people on here. That’s when I came across a ‘dick pic’ as a profile pic.

It’s a match! Here’s our convo.

Ren: Love getting your cock out don’t you!

Penis Fish: It’s got a mind of its own, it always wants to come out. How’s the search for a Tinderfella treating? (Tinderfella-Second warning sign! The first was his dick pic, if you didn’t get that)

PF: He said hello. (Holy mermaid! I assume he means his penis!!!!! THIRD WARNING SIGN !!!! This should be the time to unmatch, but he’d peaked my interest.)

R: Oh my days, he doesn’t have a name does he?!

PF: Chopper. (of course he has a name!)

R: Wow, scary. He doesn’t sound like a friendly guy!

PF: He’s friendly, you just need to get to know him! (In your dreams)

R: So your picture, is that actually ‘chopper’ or is that a painting of some random one?

PF: It’s just an effect from an app called Prysma, It’s me but an artistic photo. (Note to all the fishes out there, making your dick look like a painting, doesn’t make it any less of a disgusting public dick pic!)

R: So that is an ACTUAL dick pic?

PF: Yep, an actual pic of me and chopper.

R: So does that work? Does that actually get you laid?

PF: It has done, accidentally. (‘accidentally’)

PF: I only put it on Tinder last week as a joke! (And I suppose the other 3 dick pics I saw on his attached Instagram profile were jokes too!!)

R: You’ve clearly put it there to be like ‘look ladies, I have a decent sized penis, who wants to F**k me?’ (I was expecting him to unmatch me any minute now.)

PF: I’m not just a dick pic, I’ve not needed the pic to get someone to play the no pants dance with me. (oh dear) Granted, I like to get naked and am proud of how photogenic we are.. (‘WE’) but I’ve only slept with 1 girl using a dick pic. (Lucky girl!)

R: That should be the name of your autobiography, ‘More than a dick pic!’

Then he continued to talk about chopper, it was actually quite disturbing how much he mentioned him by name, regardless I continued to tease more out of him. Why he didn’t unmatch with me even before this is beyond me, but after he started to real talk-whether it actually was real or not is another matter- he mentioned how he was hospitalized for thunderclap headaches. And said the first one happened while he was having sex with a girl he used to sleep with. So I took this opportunity to see how far he would actually go with this story and asked him to tell me it, and boy did he!

As easy as that, with no questions asked, he typed out a clearly fabricated story of him having sex with a girl on a roof. I’ll save you the disgusting details, but it was about as long as this post, extremely graphic, and included the following verbal phrases: ‘throbbing cock’ and ‘pulsating clit’. It was very well written I have to say, I felt as though I was reading an erotic novel, and I took it upon myself to share that novel with a couple of my friends over gin and tonics. (I protected his identity, of course- I’m a mermaid, not a monster).

Needless to say, I couldn’t keep the conversation going much longer than that, as I wasn’t willing to return the favor, and when he figured out there was no real chance of me sleeping with him, he was actually the one to unmatch.

Pearl of wisdom: I’m pretty sure his story was made up, but it might not have been, and I’d hate to be a sex story told to another girl to seduce her. Make sure you really know the guy before trusting him with your dignity, because he might turn out to be a penis fish.

Catch ya later,

Ren.

“Decide that you want it, more than you are afraid of it.”

The dating app that has taken over the world.

Tinder, like marmite, is one of those things- you either love it, or you hate it. I think this is largely due to its false reputation of being a ‘hook up’ app, sure some people use it for that, and that’s their prerogative, but for those hopeless romantics, there is, contrary to popular belief, hope. I actually know many people who use tinder to find real connections with people, and I know at least 2 couples whose stories begin with, “we met on Tinder.”

Tinder is a great first step into the online dating world and for those of you seriously against online dating, Tinder technically isn’t- it’s viewed as more of a social networking app. In the technology-dependent world we now live in, it can bridge the gap between bashfulness and boldness. Not only does it present the available options to you clearly, quickly and easily, it can also point you in the direction of someone you might have missed. Behind the safety of the screen, Tinder also gives you the confidence to strike up a conversation with someone you wouldn’t normally have the courage to, and once that first point of contact has been made, a face to face conversation will likely follow- leaving you to embark on that rom-com style ‘meet cute’, that- if you’re anything like me- are reluctant to give up on.

Learning the lingo

– It’s free, and all you have to do is download the app. If you have a Facebook profile, Facebook will do all the profile set up for you, if not, just add your name, age, a short piece of information about yourself, and a couple of photos and you’re ready to swipe to the right guy.

– Once you’ve set your age range preferences and the search distance, Tinder will show you pictures of the people near you, if you aren’t interested, swipe left (or press the X) and if you are swipe right. (or press the ♥)

– If you’re not quite sure about someone and want more information, simply click on their picture and some info about them and more pictures will pop up, helping you make a decision.

– If someone has liked you (swiped right on you) too, Tinder will let you know you have a match and in your match section, you can now talk to those people.

– If you are looking for real connections, avoid the obvious ‘dick pics’, and people that use the words: Tinderfella, Tinderella, Hook up, fun, FWB (Friends With Benefits). Also be wary of meeting people for late drinks, or who are currently out with friends, or who invite you to their house because this, no doubt, is probably a code for ‘let’s have sex’.

Tinder is the perfect balance between moving with the technological world and sticking to the old school ways of communication and meetups.

I signed up yesterday!

Catch ya later,

Ren.

“I found out why I’m still single. Apparently, you have to go outside and let people see you.”

There are so many dating avenues to pursue these days, it’s hard to know where to start. Although most people are jumping on the internet bandwagon, I decided to kick things off the old-fashioned way. So I went to a bar to cast my first net.

Ironically, the one time I was willing to say yes to anyone, no one asked me out.

I’d even gone to the trouble of attempting to memorize my number. I was, however, drinking with one of my girlfriends, and we didn’t exactly ‘put ourselves out there’, we sat in a corner by the window with our backs to the room for the majority of the night.

Pearl of wisdom: When looking for a date, don’t put baby in a corner- nobody looks there.

Mission failed.

Catch ya later,

Ren.