“I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till I drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion.”

A while ago, I matched with a guy on Tinder and although he would tell you it was me that kept blowing him off, and was too busy to meet, after 3 weeks of trying to organised a date, I’d had enough and told him we should give up. (On reflection, he might have had a point as he said that all the times I suggested a meet were either really late at night, or with little notice. Which does sound like me as I’m not very good at planning in advance, and as I suffer from insomnia I often get restless in the night and look for distractions.) Either way, I got fed up with having not met this guy within 3 weeks of talking to him, as I felt that if we met up and didn’t like each other then it was a long time to have wasted on each other.
Side note: The more I write about myself, my values, attitudes, and thought processes, the more I can understand why I’m still single. Who in their right mind would wanna take me on! I’m utterly insane.
Anyway, I ended up bumping into this guy on social media and he suggested we give a meet another go and I thought, what the hell.

Alias: The Goldfish.
The Date: We met at a bar of his choice, which is actually one of my favourites so I was impressed before even arriving. Upon arrival I continued to be impressed, he stood to greet me, bought me a drink and had a delicious smile. The conversation flowed well, although, as I was knocking back the fishbowl sized gin and tonics he kept supplying me with, the flow was a little one sided on my part. I realised this while in the bathroom as I debated with myself whether or not I liked him, it appeared I didn’t really know much about him. On my return he took the mic and we had quite a lot in common. He had a job that would have sent me to sleep but he talked about it passionately and I liked that.

After a couple of drinks, we decided to grab some food, there was a little festival in town full of food trucks so we decided to go there thinking it would be full of life. However, when we arrived we were the only people there, I quickly got chatting and joking with the food vendors, security and bar staff like usual, and to my delight Goldfish joined in. My boldness, and interest in talking with strangers has unnerved or isolated people in the past, so the fact he was not only comfortable with it but was also that way inclined was a massive plus. Our inclusion of these strangers into our night, resulted in numerous free drinks and dishes, and a ton of laughs and chats. They left us with great memories of a night that otherwise could have been very isolated, quiet and boring.

We both agreed we’d like to see each other again, and just when online dating had finally done me a solid, a happenstance threw a spanner in the works.

The next night I was out with a friend drinking in a multistory bar. The night was another ‘strangers becoming friends’ affair, and by closing time we were sitting with a guy who worked in the basement bar and were about to have a lock in with the owner and workers of the bar we were currently in. There was one barman in particular who was pretty quiet throughout the night and didn’t make much of an impression, but something about him had peaked my interest. Over the coming weeks I spend most of my afternoons and evenings at the bar, I’d go to drink, but mostly I’d go just to hang out or read, be around people rather than sit at home alone. Most of the time I was at the bar the quiet guy was working, so we began to bond over books and philosophies of life, we seemed to be pretty similar in our outlook on life and how we lived it. Eventually we hung out outside of the bar, and I was really starting to like him, there was just one problem, I wasn’t sure if I was physically attracted to him.

So, I had a decision to make: The Goldfish or The Guppy. My friends said I should just continue to see both of them until one of them out shined the other. In all honesty I don’t think I really wanted either of them, I just wanted someone and I felt bad seeing them both at the same time, so I made my decision purely based on the fact that I’d rather be able to say, ‘oh I was in a bar with my friend and he served me a drink, and here we are.’ rather than the flat, ‘we met on Tinder,’ but that’s just me and my high standards of life and dating. So I picked The Guppy.

The Goldfish was very understanding so I began to pursue The Guppy guilt free, and for a while it was nice, we took things slow which seems to be the norm for me now, this is a new occurrence in my dating life, but I quite like it, having restraint, working up to each stage of the relationship. The hug, the kiss, the sleepover, the sex. It was exciting wondering when the next thing would happen rather then ticking them all off in one go like I used to. However, I’m not sure The Guppy felt the same, he felt my lack of texting, dislike for PDA and minimal physical contact meant I wasn’t interested. After I explained that in the beginning I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be more than friends, and didn’t want to rush into any of the steps before I was sure I wanted them, his view of me shifted from uninterested to ‘the least affectionate person he’d ever met.’

Admittedly, he wasn’t wrong, because I had my doubts about him, I didn’t want to give him the wrong impression that we were going to be something. I worried he was naive and immature, that he had no passion or drive in life and that he was just saying things he thought I wanted to hear instead of being real with me, all of these qualities I’d quickly tired of. I struggle with people who just let life happen to them, who just accept crap and don’t demand more, I just want to shake them alive.
But anyway, it was early days and although the sex was very clumsy and short, I was enjoying his company, and for now, bad sex was better than no sex.

Catch ya later,

Ren.